When I was 41 and pregnant for the second time, I honestly thought I had done everything “right.”

I wasn’t guessing. I was living in the wellness world. I had left Nike and was working alongside Dr. Mark Hyman in functional medicine. I knew the language. I knew the protocols. I ate clean, swapped out toxins, took my prenatal, went to acupuncture, did everything I was “supposed to do” for preconception health.

So when we walked into our 12-week ultrasound appointment, I thought we were there for a milestone. A little moment of relief. An ultrasound picture for the fridge. My husband started pacing the room with nervous energy bouncing off the walls. I teased him, trying to keep things light. “Relax,” I said. “I’m the one on the table.”

And then the room went quiet. 

You know that kind of silence? The kind that lands in your body before your brain can catch up?

I was told, “ I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat.”

The doctor patted my shoulder and said something that would continue to replay in my head: “It happens a lot after 40. It’s just an age thing. You’ll have to keep trying.”

I left that appointment shattered, not only by the loss, but by the way it was packaged. Like it was a door that had closed. Like there was nothing to learn, nothing to explore, nothing to do.

Just: you’re too old.

And something in me refused to accept that.

Because yes, advanced maternal age is real. The statistics are real. Pregnancy after 35 and fertility after 40 come with real biological considerations. But the idea that you’re simply powerless? That there’s no plan besides “try again”? That’s what I couldn’t live with.

So I did what I always do when something doesn’t make sense.

I went looking for answers.

RELATED: The ultimate preconception guide: What to do when you’re ready to get pregnant

What I wish someone had told me about “advanced maternal age”

First, let’s talk about the term itself.

“Advanced maternal age”, or AMA, usually means being 35 or older at delivery. And I know how that label can hit. It can feel clinical, cold, even insulting, especially when you’re strong, healthy, and doing your best.

But here’s the nuance I wish every provider held with more care: AMA isn’t a judgment. It’s meant to be a flag for more support. Because yes, risks like miscarriage and certain pregnancy complications can increase with age. Egg quality changes. Chromosomal errors become more common. That’s real.

And also: women are having babies later in life for a million valid reasons whether career, partnerships, finances, healing, timing, or simply not being ready before. And for many women, this season is actually better. More grounded. More intentional. More resourced. More “I know who I am.”

Two things can be true at once.

So if you’re reading this in your late 30s or 40s, trying to make decisions about pregnancy after 35, I want you to hear this first:

You are not late.
You are not behind.
You are not broken.

You just deserve a better plan than “good luck.”

RELATED: Pregnancy after 35: Why more women are having babies later in life 

Babies after 35 can be beautiful while requiring a different kind of support

One thing no one prepared me for is how much I would actually love being a mom later in life. I have more patience. More perspective. More clarity about what matters and what doesn’t. I’m not trying to prove myself the way I did in my 20s and early 30s.

But trying to conceive after 40? That’s a different emotional landscape.

There’s pressure baked into everything. You feel time in a way you didn’t before. Every month carries more weight. Every appointment feels like it comes with an invisible clock ticking in the corner. And stress doesn’t just live in your mind, it lives in your hormones, your sleep, your inflammation, your blood sugar, and your nervous system.

Which brings me to what I wish I’d done differently before that pregnancy. Not because I think I could have prevented what happened. Loss is complicated. Bodies are complicated. Life is complicated. But because I now know there were things I could have done to feel more supported and to give myself the strongest foundation possible.

If I were trying again, here’s exactly what I’d do differently

1) I’d stop rushing and give myself a real three-month runway

After my miscarriage, the loudest message I got was urgency: You’re over 40. Don’t waste time.

But what I actually needed was preparation.

There’s a window in preconception that doesn’t get talked about enough. It’s the weeks and months before you conceive, when the egg you’re going to ovulate is finishing its final stages of development, and sperm is regenerating.

We refer to this as the golden window of opportunity.

If I could go back, I’d tell myself this: don’t just try again, build first.

I would give myself at least three months to stabilize what I could stabilize:

• my sleep
• my stress response
• my blood sugar
• my nutrient stores
• our lifestyle rhythms

Not because it guarantees anything. But because it changes everything about how supported your body feels going into conception. And honestly? It changes how supported you feel, too.

2) I’d bring my husband into the plan immediately, not as an afterthought

This is the part that still makes me angry, if I’m being honest. After our loss, not one person asked about my husband’s health. Not his stress. Not his diet. Not his sleep. Not his lab markers. Not his nutrient status.

It was as if fertility was happening in my body alone.

But sperm matters. A lot! It’s half the genetic material. It influences embryo development. It’s tied to oxidative stress and DNA fragmentation, and those things can be relevant in pregnancy outcomes.

So if I were trying again, I wouldn’t let my partner float on a generic multivitamin and good intentions.

I’d say: We’re doing this together.

And the shift that happens when it becomes “we” instead of “me”? It’s not just logistical. It’s emotional. It changes the entire nervous system tone of the journey.

Backed by the research I was uncovering, I put together a targeted nutrient stack for him with CoQ10, zinc, vitamin E, and L-carnitine to support sperm health and help lower oxidative stress. That exact combination later became the foundation we used to build from for our WeNatal for Him male fertility supplement.

RELATED: Can men take prenatal vitamins?

3) I’d think less about “eating clean” and more about nutrient reserves

I used to think: I eat well, I’m fine.

But pregnancy doesn’t run on good intentions. It runs on nutrients.

And the truth is, by the time you see a positive test, early development is already moving fast. This is why preconception nutrition matters so much, not as a perfect diet, but as actual nutrient availability in the body.

If I were trying again, I’d start a high-quality, comprehensive prenatal well before we began trying, not because I’m “expecting,” but because I’m preparing. I’d focus on building key nutrients like folate, choline, iron, and B12 before conception, not scrambling to catch up after a positive test.

I’d care about forms (bioavailable nutrients), consistency, and building a foundation. The kind that supports fertility after 35 and pregnancy after 40 with a little more insurance and a little less guessing.

And yes, I’d want my husband doing the same. Because again: we.

4) I’d make small “toxin-lowering” swaps without turning it into a fear project

I’m not interested in perfection. I don’t think you need to detox your entire life overnight or live in a bubble. But I do think small changes, made consistently, add up, especially when you’re trying to conceive and you want your hormonal environment as supported as possible.

This is what I did (and what I’d do again), slowly:

• glass instead of plastic for food storage
• filtered water
• cleaner skincare and household products as things ran out
• skipping receipts when possible

Nothing dramatic. Nothing obsessive. Just a quiet lowering of total load over time.

5) I’d treat stress like a real biological input, not a personal failure

This is the one I had to learn the hard way.

When you’re trying to conceive in your late 30s or 40s, stress becomes constant background noise. Even on “good” days, it’s there. The pressure. The math. The wondering. The fear that you’re running out of time.

And I wish someone had said this to me more clearly: your nervous system matters.

Not in a “just relax” way (please, no). But in a very real, physiological way. When your body is stuck in fight-or-flight, it reallocates resources. Reproduction is not prioritized when your internal environment feels unsafe.

So if I were trying again, I’d build daily nervous system support like it’s part of the fertility plan:

• earlier nights
• walking more
• acupuncture for regulation
• less doom-scrolling
• more moments that bring the body back into safety

Not perfect. Just intentional.

RELATED: Beyond the surface: Endocrine disruptors and their impact on fertility

What happened next

After we took three months to truly prepare, together, I took a pregnancy test on a whim. I didn’t even really look at it. We had friends over. I tossed it in the trash like, whatever.

The next morning my husband walked in holding it, eyes wide. “It’s positive.”

At 42, I gave birth to our daughter Emma. No IVF. No needles. Just preparation, consistency, and support that included both of us.

And I need to say this clearly: I’m not telling you this to promise you the same outcome. Fertility journeys are deeply personal. Sometimes there’s IVF. Sometimes there’s loss. Sometimes there’s a longer road than anyone expected.

But I am telling you this because when my doctor said “there’s nothing you can do,” she was wrong.

There was a lot I could do. I just wasn’t given a plan.

RELATED: How we conceived our rainbow babies after miscarriage at advanced maternal age 

The real message I want you to take from this

If you’re navigating pregnancy after 35 or trying to conceive after 40, you deserve care that is honest and hopeful. You deserve nuance, not doom.

Advanced maternal age may change the timeline and the strategy, but it does not mean your story is over. And if you’ve ever left an appointment feeling dismissed, scared, or alone, I see you. That feeling is exactly why Vida and I started WeNatal.

Because no one should be handed a label and sent home without support.

Fertility isn’t something that just happens to you. It’s something you can prepare for, together.

RELATED: Vida’s story: Pregnancy after miscarriage 

A note from WeNatal on pregnancy in your 40s

If you’re in your Trimester ZeroⓇ and trying, thinking about trying, or trying again after loss, we created WeNatal to make the foundational pieces feel simpler, steadier, and more aligned with real life. Because for so many women, pregnancy in your 40s can come with extra noise: more opinions, more pressure, more urgency. We wanted to offer something that brings you back to what you can control, without overwhelm.

WeNatal for Her and WeNatal for Him were designed to support preconception nutrition for both partners, so the responsibility doesn’t fall on one person’s shoulders. And Omega DHA+ helps round out the omega-3 foundation that many of us miss in modern diets, supporting overall health, inflammation balance, and the nutritional baseline that matters before and during pregnancy.

Not as a magic fix. Just a practical way to support the basics, consistently, while you do the rest: advocating for your care, nourishing your body, protecting your peace, and taking things one step at a time. Because you deserve a plan that feels supportive, not scary, and a journey that still holds hope.

RELATED: Protein for fertility & pregnancy: The complete guide for men and women

References

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Kumar N, Singh AK. Trends of male factor infertility, an important cause of infertility: A review of literature. J Hum Reprod Sci. 2015;8(4):191-196. doi:10.4103/0974-1208.170370

Shadyab AH, Gass ML, Stefanick ML, et al. Maternal Age at Childbirth and Parity as Predictors of Longevity Among Women in the United States: The Women's Health Initiative. Am J Public Health. 2017;107(1):113-119. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2016.303503

Sharma R, Biedenharn KR, Fedor JM, Agarwal A. Lifestyle factors and reproductive health: taking control of your fertility. Reprod Biol Endocrinol. 2013;11:66. Published 2013 Jul 16. doi:10.1186/1477-7827-11-66

Zabak S, Varma A, Bansod S, Pohane MR. Exploring the Complex Landscape of Delayed Childbearing: Factors, History, and Long-Term Implications. Cureus. 2023;15(9):e46291. Published 2023 Sep 30. doi:10.7759/cureus.46291