How to find the right egg donor, sperm donor, or surrogate: A guide for intended parents

If you are reading this, there is a good chance this is not where you expected your path to parenthood would lead.

For some, getting here comes after years of infertility, unsuccessful fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, and heartbreak. Others know from the very beginning that they will need an egg donor, sperm donor, or surrogate because of a medical diagnosis, because they are part of a same-sex couple, or because they are pursuing parenthood as a single intended parent. Whatever brought you here, you probably have a lot of questions. One of the things I hear most often during an initial consultation is simply, "I have no idea where to start."

The world of third-party reproduction can feel overwhelming at first. There are agencies, donor programs, fertility clinics, attorneys, insurance professionals, escrow companies, and countless high-stakes decisions to make. When you look at the process as a whole, it is easy to wonder where to even begin.

The good news is that you do not have to navigate it alone. There are professionals who have dedicated their careers to helping families through this process, and there are countless intended parents who have walked this path before you. In fact, infertility affects roughly 1 in 6 people worldwide, so while this journey can feel isolating at times, you are far from alone.

The path ahead may feel unfamiliar today, but with the right guidance, what seems overwhelming now can become much more manageable. You do not have to have every answer right now. You simply need to know what the next step is. 

How do you know whether you need an egg donor, sperm donor, or surrogate?

Third-party reproduction means someone else plays an important role in helping you build your family. Depending on your circumstances, that may involve an egg donor, a sperm donor, a surrogate, or sometimes a combination of these. The terms are often used interchangeably in conversation, so it helps to define them clearly before you go any further.

An egg donor provides the eggs that are used to create embryos through IVF. Egg donation may be recommended for women with diminished ovarian reserve, certain genetic conditions, or women who are unable to use their own eggs. It is also commonly used by male same-sex couples and single intended fathers.

A sperm donor provides sperm for fertilization. This may be the right path for single women by choice, female same-sex couples, or couples navigating male factor infertility or certain inherited genetic conditions.

A surrogate, sometimes called a gestational carrier, carries a pregnancy created through IVF using an embryo that is not genetically related to her. Surrogacy may be recommended when pregnancy is not medically possible or safe, and it is also commonly used by male same-sex couples and single intended fathers.

Are surrogates genetically related to the baby?

A common misconception is that surrogates are genetically related to the baby they are carrying. In almost every surrogacy arrangement today, that is not the case. The overwhelming majority of surrogacy in the United States is gestational surrogacy, meaning the surrogate carries an embryo created through IVF but does not use her own eggs and has no genetic tie to the baby. Traditional surrogacy, where the surrogate is also the egg donor and genetic contributor, is an extremely uncommon practice.

Your fertility specialist will help determine which path is the right fit medically. This is a clinical and deeply personal decision, so it is worth confirming your path with a provider who knows your full history before you start searching. Once that decision has been made, the conversation shifts from what you need to who will help make it possible. That is where many intended parents begin to feel overwhelmed, and it is also where having the right guidance can make all the difference. 

RELATED: Assisted reproductive technology: Expanding possibilities for parenthood 

How do you find and choose an egg or sperm donor?

Choosing an egg or sperm donor is one of the most personal decisions you will make during this process. While there are practical considerations, it is also a deeply emotional one.

For some intended parents, that person is already in their lives. Occasionally, a family member or close friend offers to help. We refer to these as directed donors, and for some families, they can be a wonderful option. For others, involving someone they know introduces relationship dynamics and emotional considerations that deserve careful thought before moving forward.

Without an obvious donor in the picture, most intended parents begin searching through egg donor agencies, egg banks, sperm banks, or sperm donor programs. For many people, this can be one of the more emotionally challenging parts of the process. You are not just selecting a profile. You are making an important decision about the genetic foundation of your future family, and that naturally carries a lot of weight.

On top of that, it can quickly become overwhelming. You are suddenly looking through profile after profile, comparing photos, education, hobbies, family medical histories, physical characteristics, and countless other details. It is easy to get caught up in trying to find someone who checks every imaginable box.

How do you avoid feeling overwhelmed by donor profiles?

One of the biggest shifts we help clients make is moving away from searching for the "perfect" donor and instead focusing on finding the right donor for their family.

Before you begin looking through donor profiles, I encourage intended parents to spend some time thinking about what matters most to them. A few questions worth sitting with first:

• Are there specific medical considerations in your family history?

• Is there a particular racial or ethnic background that is important to your family?

• Are there religious or cultural considerations?

• Do you hope your child will have the opportunity to connect with their donor someday?

Thinking through those questions before you begin looking at profiles helps you focus on what truly matters. It also brings clarity to what can otherwise feel like an overwhelming process.

One piece of advice I give clients is to bring the decision back to what this is really all about, which is creating a family. Instead of asking whether someone has the perfect résumé, ask yourself a different question. Could you picture this person sitting around your family's dinner table? Or maybe something even simpler. Is this someone you would genuinely enjoy sitting down with over a cup of coffee?

I have found that the answers to those questions often provide more clarity than hours spent comparing GPA, hobbies, or eye color.

What should you consider about donor anonymity and future openness?

As you think about donor selection, it is also worth considering whether, and to what extent, you hope your child will have the opportunity to know or connect with the donor in the future. Every family will answer that question differently, but it is one that deserves thoughtful consideration. It is also one that is especially meaningful to me because of my own story.

I was adopted, and my parents were always open with me about how I came into the world. As an adult, I have had the opportunity to meet and get to know my biological mother and other biological relatives. That experience helped me better understand who I am and where I came from, and I believe it has had a positive impact on my life. It has also given my children the opportunity to know another part of their family's story and better understand their own family history.

Because of my own experience, I have thought a great deal about donor conception and what openness can mean for donor-conceived children. While every family's circumstances are different, I believe it is important to understand where things stand today, consider the perspectives of donor-conceived adults, and make an informed decision that is right for your family.

Years ago, many people chose what was considered an "anonymous" donor. Today, with direct-to-consumer DNA testing through services like AncestryDNA and 23andMe, true anonymity is largely a thing of the past. Perhaps more importantly, many donor-conceived adults, psychologists, and other professionals in the family-building space encourage intended parents to thoughtfully consider future openness when making decisions about donor selection.

For that reason, my hope is simply that intended parents understand how donor conception has evolved, consider the perspectives of donor-conceived adults, and make an informed decision that reflects what feels right for them and their future family.

What should you look for in a surrogate?

There are generally two ways intended parents find a gestational surrogate. Sometimes it is someone they already know, but more often, intended parents are matched with a surrogate through an agency or matching program.

When the surrogate is someone you already know, the arrangement can be an incredible gift. It can also introduce emotional, legal, and logistical considerations that deserve thoughtful discussion before moving forward. Working with a psychologist who specializes in surrogacy can be especially valuable in helping everyone explore expectations, boundaries, and whether the arrangement is truly the right fit.

When a known surrogate is not an option, most intended parents work with a surrogacy agency or matching program that recruits and vets prospective surrogate candidates and facilitates the matching process.

What makes someone a good surrogate?

One of the biggest questions intended parents have is, "What actually makes someone a good surrogate?"

There is not one single answer. It is a combination of pregnancy and medical history, overall health, lifestyle, stability, support, and many other factors that help determine whether someone is an appropriate candidate for surrogacy.

But even the most qualified surrogate is not necessarily the right surrogate for every intended parent. So much of it comes down to making sure everyone is aligned. A few things worth talking through early:

• Do you share similar views on important medical decisions?

• Are you looking for the same type of relationship during and after the pregnancy?

• Do you have compatible expectations for the journey as a whole?

Those conversations are an essential part of the matching process, because they help lay the foundation for a trusting, collaborative relationship throughout the journey.

How long does it take to find a surrogate?

Once you have found the right match, one of the next questions is naturally, "How long does all of this take?"

The answer depends on your search criteria and the organization you are working with. Some agencies quote wait times ranging from six months to two years. In my work at Family Match Consulting, most of our clients are matched within about three months, depending on the specifics of their search.

Matching is only the beginning. After a match is made, there is still medical screening, legal contracts, cycle preparation, and embryo transfer before pregnancy can begin. Even when everything goes as hoped, this leg of the journey can typically take another four to six months.

A longer timeline does not mean an impossible one. It simply means there are several thoughtful steps designed to protect everyone involved, and leaning on experienced legal, medical, and emotional professionals is how you make sure nothing important gets missed.

How can you prepare your body while you search?

One thing I have learned, both personally and professionally, is that waiting is one of the hardest parts of infertility. During my own struggles with infertility, I constantly wanted to feel like I was doing something productive. Even when I could not control the timeline, I wanted to know I was doing everything I could to prepare for what came next.

Whether you are preparing for an IVF cycle, planning to carry your pregnancy yourself, or working with a gestational surrogate, the months leading up to an egg retrieval or embryo transfer can be a meaningful time to focus on yourself. Instead of worrying about the things you cannot control, you can invest your energy in the things you can:

• Eat well and build meals around protein, fiber, and healthy fats

• Stay active in a way that feels good for your body

• Prioritize sleep

• Find healthy ways to manage stress

• Talk with your physician about ways to support your own health before treatment

Depending on your role in the journey, that conversation with your provider may also include supplements that support egg quality, sperm quality, or a healthy pregnancy. If you are working with a gestational surrogate, prenatal supplementation may be one of the many topics you discuss together as part of your planning.

Why does preconception nutrition matter before a transfer?

This waiting window is not wasted time. It is actually one of the most influential seasons for reproductive health. Research on the preconception period suggests that the health of both partners in the months before conception is associated with pregnancy and long-term child health outcomes, which is part of why so many providers treat this window as an opportunity rather than an afterthought.

A few nutrients are worth understanding as you prepare:

• Folate plays a role in healthy fetal neural tube development in early pregnancy.

• Choline supports fetal brain development, yet many people of reproductive age fall short of the recommended intake. You can read more about choline's role in early development here.

• Omega-3 fatty acids, particularly DHA, support fetal brain and eye development.

• Iron, vitamin D, and antioxidants support the broader nutritional foundation that both eggs and sperm develop within.

Because eggs and sperm both mature over roughly 90 days, the choices made in the months before a cycle are supporting the very eggs and sperm involved in the next attempt. That is the reasoning behind starting foundational support early rather than waiting until a transfer is on the calendar. Always talk with your own healthcare provider before starting any new supplement, especially during preconception or while taking medication.

This is where I find WeNatal fits naturally into the picture. One of the things I appreciate about it, besides its clean ingredients, is its focus on preparation. WeNatal For Her is designed to help fill common nutrient gaps during the preconception window with methylated folate, choline, iron, vitamin D, and antioxidant support, while Egg Quality+ adds targeted nutrients like CoQ10 that support egg cell energy production. So much of the fertility journey requires patience, and taking small, intentional steps during the waiting period can help you feel more prepared and more grounded in what you can actually influence.

A note for partners

If you are navigating this alongside a partner, it is worth remembering that reproductive health is not a one-person project. In arrangements that use a partner's sperm, the same 90-day window applies, and the preconception review that underscores both partners' health is a good reminder that preparation is shared. WeNatal For Him was created to support healthy sperm quality, count, and motility during that window, and many couples find it grounding to prepare together with WeNatal Together rather than placing the whole weight of preparation on one person. If you would like a fuller picture of the male side, the WeNatal guide to male fertility and sperm health is a good place to start.

RELATED: Male fertility and sperm health: What every man should know

When should you talk to your provider?

Third-party reproduction is a medical and legal process as much as an emotional one, so your care team should be part of the conversation early and often. It is a good idea to talk with your fertility provider or specialist when:

• You are trying to determine which path fits your medical picture, whether that is an egg donor, sperm donor, surrogate, or a combination.

• You are considering a directed or known donor and want to understand the medical and genetic screening involved.

• You are preparing for an egg retrieval or embryo transfer and want to optimize your own health first.

• You are deciding whether and how to add supplements to your routine.

• You have questions about the legal contracts, insurance, or escrow steps that accompany a match.

Personalized guidance matters here, because your history, your goals, and your circumstances are unique to you. No article can replace a provider who knows your full picture.

Where to begin

If there is one thing I hope you take away from this, it is that you do not have to have everything figured out before you begin. Taking the first step is often the hardest part. You do not need to have every answer or know exactly what lies ahead. You simply need to know what the next step is, and to have the right people beside you to help guide the way.

Whether you are searching for a donor, looking for a surrogate, or preparing for the next phase of treatment, remember that small, thoughtful steps add up over time. Every decision, every conversation, and every bit of preparation brings you one step closer to the family you have been working so hard to build. And do not be afraid to lean on experienced professionals who can educate you, advocate for you, and help you navigate the road ahead with confidence. You do not have to do this alone.

Frequently asked questions on egg donors, a sperm donors, and a surrogates

What is the difference between an egg donor, a sperm donor, and a surrogate?

An egg donor provides eggs used to create embryos through IVF. A sperm donor provides sperm for fertilization. A surrogate, or gestational carrier, carries a pregnancy created through IVF using an embryo she is not genetically related to. Some families work with a combination of these, and a fertility specialist can help determine which path fits your medical situation.

Are surrogates related to the baby they carry?

In almost all cases today, no. The vast majority of surrogacy in the United States is gestational surrogacy, where the surrogate carries an embryo created through IVF and has no genetic connection to the baby. Traditional surrogacy, where the surrogate also contributes her own egg, is very rare.

How do you choose the right egg or sperm donor?

Start by clarifying your own priorities before scrolling through profiles, including medical history, background, values, and your feelings about future openness. Many intended parents find it more helpful to ask whether they could picture this person at their family's dinner table than to compare every detail on a résumé. The goal is the right donor for your family, not a "perfect" one.

How long does it take to find a surrogate?

Timelines vary by agency and search criteria. Some programs quote wait times of six months to two years, while more guided searches can move faster. After a match, expect roughly another four to six months for medical screening, legal contracts, cycle preparation, and embryo transfer before pregnancy begins.

Can donors and surrogates really be anonymous today?

True anonymity is largely a thing of the past because of direct-to-consumer DNA testing services. Many donor-conceived adults and family-building professionals now encourage intended parents to thoughtfully consider some degree of future openness when selecting a donor.

How can I prepare my body while I search for a donor or surrogate?

Whoever will carry the pregnancy can use the waiting period to support their health with nourishing food, movement, sleep, stress management, and a conversation with their provider about preconception supplements. Because eggs and sperm mature over about 90 days, the preconception window is a meaningful time to support egg and sperm quality for both partners. Talk with your healthcare provider about what makes sense for you.

RELATED: The ultimate fertility checklist for getting pregnant

A note from WeNatal on the small, shared steps toward the family you are building

At WeNatal, we believe that building a family is rarely a solo effort, and that the path there deserves support at every step, no matter what that path looks like. Third-party reproduction can feel like an overwhelming maze at the start, but the same principle that guides the rest of our work applies here too. Preparation is powerful, both partners matter, and small consistent steps in the months before conception are a meaningful way to care for the health that a future pregnancy is built on.

That is why we created two prenatals rather than one. WeNatal For Her supports women through preconception, pregnancy, and beyond with key nutrients like methylated folate, choline, iron, vitamin D, and antioxidant support. WeNatal For Him was created because sperm health matters just as much, and because the 90-day window before conception is a meaningful opportunity to support sperm quality and overall reproductive health. Couples who want to prepare together can do exactly that, and those looking for additional support can explore Egg Quality+ with CoQ10 for egg cell energy, or Omega DHA+ for DHA and EPA that support reproductive health and healthy development.

Wherever you are in your journey, whether you are just beginning to explore your options or already preparing for a transfer, know that this is not about perfection or pressure. It is about giving yourself and your future family a strong, well-nourished foundation, one thoughtful step at a time. WeNatal is here to help you feel more supported, more informed, and less alone as you prepare for what comes next.

RELATED: What to know before you get pregnant: How to boost fertility, improve sperm health, and support a healthy pregnancy